-It's Okay That We're Dying, But I Need To Survive Tonight.-

Why am i so stupid!?

So, as you may know,
i used to sit alone at lunch after a mixture of being kicked out of and leaving my old lunch table....with K, K, J, and B.
now, S and M moved to come sit with me.

i'm worried about S because she's so hung up over her breakup with E.
M is just..so...depressing to be around....she doesn't realize how much people care. i just want to hug her and be her best friend, you know???

So...

S and i became like best friends again, right?

trippy shizz, man.


i spend almost all my free time in the graveyard, walking around, reading names....

i mean...at least all the people in that cemetery have loved someone at least once in their life, right?
but what if that love killed them?
******Sigh********
i really do wish i could be best friends with M and S but i was such a stupid lying nueseunce last year....they'll never forgive me.
i don't know. i'm making alot of decisions right now....

At the library once again;

surrounded by other teens and of course; in deep thought.

i don't get why everyone really judges me. OH..SIDENOTE

At lunch today a certain group of kids were talking about K, B, and I. with all of us within earshot. just to piss us off. On another note; two of the biggest tag-alongs at our school are J and M.
i get it.....hang out/follow around the kid/kids that at least tolerate you when everyone else hates you. but i hate it when ...let's say J invites himself over to our table, and when K and i are talking about _ (whom we both like) J comments and makes fun of us. it's just rude. that *******.
god, i'm in a horribly depressed mood. i kind of wish someone at school (in my grade and all)would find this blog and then they'd all know.............*sigh*


Anyway; back to my original thing.....i have an....erm..occasional twitch;i guess you'd call it


every like.....hour my hands/fingers start twitching and moving and i just can't stop them..it dosn't stop for about ten minutes.....unless i hold my hand into a fist. i sprained my finger two months ago because of this problem; i don't think hardly anyone notices it though.



libraries are strange places. where strange people go. VERY STRANGE PEOPLE.


anyway; i just hate people in general.







whatever. i'm done for now....talk to you later.


<3>
AShadowedIdentity

Random? I Don't Know

At the library

whoo!




it's suprisingly dead today, only saw one of the usual teens, and C got off work.....4:00. so now i'm lonely. And i have like..hours to spend here.

hmmm..what shall i do today?................

i'm going to use this blog as a diary today. but instead of useing real name; i'll just use the first letter of people's names.

So, today K was doubting that i actually "liked" _. I told her she was crazy, and it was obvious....everyone knows, except i don't think he believes i "like" him.
the quotation marks are because, as you know, i question almost everything in life. anyway; i don't even know why i "like" him......he's an idiot.
it's just that relieved feeling i get when we're in the same room, or that nervous feeling i get when he looks at me. .....woah.....i sound pathetic. but it's true.....i'm also getting sick of being alone. K and B arn't my friends anymore...well, not really. they never were..i mean, i would never tell them really personal stuff...or would i...i don't know anymore.
i guess ... is starting to be my friend.....weird. i havn't had a guy-friend since T. anyway;
"liking" somebody who will never ever talk to you again is so hard.
and before you ask, i started "liking" him after a full conversation we had in the beginning of the year....gradually i started "liking" him more.

whatever. forget this.

i can't wait for thurday..........and Friday...

i'm trying to convince A to come to the library on Friday, but i doubt he'll come....
Maybe the other A( a girl) will finally stop ditching school and we can talk in the hallway again.

whatever.

So, to conclude this little entry i shall say;
i had fun with magnets at the library....MAGNET POETRY IS AMAZING.

"Stop my repulsive worship;
i recall screaming
and still i lie
floodblackknife"




as always;
Remember Me In Love And Death
<3
AShadowedIdentity

PLEASE READ THIS POST ALL THE WAY THROUGH.

Heh,

alright,

so i was looking through my comments, and YES; you two were the ones i was talking about.

As for the comment about knowing who i am; i'm questioning whether you actually do....or don't. (i'm almost positibe you do..hmmm)

ANYWAY-
TO TODAY'S TOPIC(s)....

TEEN DATING AND CRUSHES.



now; being at the library as much as i am...i've noticed certain couples; and certain groups.
i, of course, do not go to the same school as these groups, nor do i fit in with them. which is fine; being (bascally) a loner isn't as bad as you'd think.
i basically just use the time for schoolwork, reading, and music....
ANYWAY; BACK TO TOPIC!
There are always certain cases where i can tell the couple actually cares and is capable of saying "I love you" and meaning it. but the worst thing is when fifth-through-seventh graders start "dating"...which just means pairing off and SAYING your dating, with no intention of seeing each other out of school, calling each other, every kissing, or telling their parents.it's sad, really.



i could go on...but i'm tired.


2ND TOPIC......

RESPONSE TIME--------
To : http://straightishgaygod.blogspot.com/2009/01/day-28-january-25-2009.html

I still can't stop thinking about how unfair this damned world is. Why can't teachers and parents..and adults..and even just elder peers TRY to understand you? WHY!?!? really, have parents//teachers forgotten what it was like? the breakdowns, the stomach sickness? the pathetic feeling you get in your stomach, telling you you're not good enough for this world. God.....i hate it. i hate it so much. Also...
When your in middle school; all you want is ONE person (erm..not another middle-schooler) to tell you that your not the immature person everyone assumes you are.
I HATE BEING JUDGED WITHOUT EVEN BEING SPOKEN TO.

-please refer back to my whole hallway scenerio post...-

Now, onto the next one
Coming Out

i know that one teenagers from the library has come out to.....well, pretty much everyone there.....
1; that must've been difficult
2; i'm unsure of why it's so difficult to come out to parents...really, i don't get it. if you get kicked out.....at least there's no more hiding. As it has been said before; nobody can truely be accepted by everyone.....or sometimes
*points to self*
Anyone. and it sucks. my adivice is to wait 'till you're ready, but don't avoid it forever......
when you get free time; plan out whatyour going to say.
if you have a boyfriend/girlfriend or a friend whos already come out..ask them for advice.
when you do decide to come out; keep a friend with you....it softens the blow and gives you automatic support if your parents won't.
and last BE BOLD
when i-....
when my friend came out; her parents said "We kind of always knew"
chances are,your parents already know.


Just be yourself. Always. and never lose sight of what matters.




SORRY IT WAS SO LONG



As always;
remember me in love and death.

<|3
AShadowedIdentity

So....
i'm aware this blog has only been up for....three days?
But why do i have no followers? i mean...i am the most amazing person in the world. ever.

ok, enough of that.
but, speaking of being egotistical....
i was at the library the other night, dwelling in thought and acting like an idiot
(why do i always act like an idiot around people? why? why can't i show that i'm actually a mature, deep-thinking person? oh well, i'll never learn.)
And, basically, one of the teenagers there was talking about the song "I'm Too Sexy" telling one of the librarians about how he had never heard a gay man be THAT egotistical. another teen across the room commented that it had been a stereotypical comment. I'm unsure of why i'm suddenly thinking of this...but anyway,
when i got home i podered on that for a while, wondering what was so wrong with our world...
why we need feel the need to judge (ok, nevermind...i know why, it's that mysteriously secret part of your brain i mentioned in a previous post......) people and just stereotype everyone.
who even started the stereotyping? i could go on and on, but you basically get what i'm saying.

-sigh-
So, i recently finished the Heroin Diaries; a year in the life of a shattered rock star.

i have a newfound respect ANND newfound hate for Nikki Sixx.
Reading the book, i thought it'd be like the pressure of being famous made him shoot up constantly, but no. Nikki Sixx has got to be the most ideal image of a sterotypical rockstar.

you know....

one of those Makeup-wearing, headbanging, partying guy who shoots up every morning with a different girl next to him.



Wow......the world really ****** me off.

But Does Anyone Notice; There's A Corpse In This Bed.

Today is a normal day, i guess. My Chem is on the stereo, full blast (as usual).
I just finished "The Burn Journals"
it honestly made me cry.
on a more joyous note, whenever i get upset or need help with a problem, i found that if i just write a fictional story,i'll incorporate my own problems into in subconsiously, and i'll find a solution.


ALSO: So, what the Frank is friendship anymore? in mymind, friendship was always sticking up for each other, telling/keeping secrets, saying "HI!" everytime you see eachother, what's mine is yours, never forgetting each other, being honest, and if the person misses something funny or amazing, you tell them the second you get to. Right? Yeah...You'd think.

I've been friends with someone for a year and five months, i guess we kind of told each other secrets, but that...."friend" feeling was never there. I guess i always knew it would end the way it did, but here's the run-down.


I always knew this girl was NOT my friend. i mean, sure, she didn't hate me. but she certainly didn't like me. Everytime i'd ask her to come over, she'd say "I went over there four months ago! i want to be with my other friends!" (Of course, which, she had none). Or Whenever someone trashed me, made fun of me, or called me a bitch, she'd just agree. She broke holes in my wall, told my parents things they didn't need to know, and was completly disrespectful. I was so lonely when i moved here though....i kept her my "friend" just to have someone (which is really pethetic).


So, Friday, she and another ex "friend" of mine were laughing and talking about me, so i said "what're you talkin' about?" all they did was ignore me. Later on, i found out that, This girl was going over to the othere ex-"friend"'s house, even thogh she told me she was grounded.
it sounds like a patehtic fifth-grade drama, dosn't it?


i guess i've got no one, though. i only had two real best friends, but one of them dosn't answer the phone anymore, and the other is in Virginia..

Well.....i guess that's all for today.

sorry for whining so much, it'll be better next time, i promise.




So , PLEASE, In Love And Death, Remember Me
<|3